Post by Rod Midreens on Feb 20, 2009 19:14:19 GMT
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife
naked. He hasn't seen my wife, so who has the last laugh?
P, Leeds
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
Anon
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.
Chris Scaife,
Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? So what? My mum's 97!
Thomas J
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but
the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
sticks.
Stan Herschel
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people
off buying the product.
Mark Mayhem
Whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be
able to fashion acrude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell
out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are
the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
Billington Smyth
'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...'wrote the
Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see
that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her
you would have to have your eyes open as well. I reckon the relationship is
dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
Mason, Rumpunter
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not
good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.
D Evans, London
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Nottingham received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Derby .
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey .
Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK
when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton..
Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing
she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan
Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull .
To call Dr Harold Shipman ' Britain 's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr.. Shipman is ' Britain 's best serial killer'.
Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned
out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the
country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham
I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
K Libretto, Welling
;D ;D ;D ;D
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
' Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife
naked. He hasn't seen my wife, so who has the last laugh?
P, Leeds
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
Anon
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.
Chris Scaife,
Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? So what? My mum's 97!
Thomas J
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but
the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
sticks.
Stan Herschel
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers
on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people
off buying the product.
Mark Mayhem
Whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be
able to fashion acrude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell
out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are
the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
Billington Smyth
'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...'wrote the
Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see
that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her
you would have to have your eyes open as well. I reckon the relationship is
dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
Mason, Rumpunter
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not
good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.
D Evans, London
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Nottingham received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Derby .
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey .
Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK
when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton..
Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing
she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan
Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull .
To call Dr Harold Shipman ' Britain 's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr.. Shipman is ' Britain 's best serial killer'.
Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned
out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the
country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham
I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
K Libretto, Welling
;D ;D ;D ;D