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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 18, 2010 14:52:44 GMT
the two boys trapped down the old mine shaft with only a penknife and billabong full of Fosters ..Oh and an old aborigine miner well versed in the ways of outback survival and a pocket filled with fire opals that he was offering to exchange for
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 18, 2010 18:34:26 GMT
Clementine's size XXL unmentionables, the ones with the reinforced gusset and the rubber buttons that she wears on special occasions when she
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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 18, 2010 19:53:05 GMT
knows she is going to a party, where it is likely that copious quantities of Castlemaine XXXX and 'Old Digger' sweet sherry will be consumed, and it is very possible that her old bladder weakness problem may reawaken itself, which, if past experience is anything to go by,will mean that the Melbourne Fire Brigade will be needed once again with their Acme Masterpump to suck up the debris and to make available again their longest ladders to enable her to
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 19, 2010 12:35:53 GMT
look Sturbs in the eye while pleading with him not to do any more of those Janet & Johns, because the industrial strength Tena Pants are proving unequal to the task and the firemen are getting fed up with
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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 19, 2010 13:22:47 GMT
endless interruptions to make themselves available for emergency calls when their primary task as everybody knows is to work-out constantly and keep their muscles well oiled with baby oil in preparation for that day's calendar shoots and photo opportunities alongside
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 19, 2010 16:19:06 GMT
Posh, just in case she falls off her stillettoes and breaks a nail, Jordan in case her strange orange colour means she's actually on fire, and interchangeable members of Girls Too Loud Aloud in case
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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 21, 2010 10:53:36 GMT
...they ever make another hit record. This could cause ripples of confusion within the music industry and permit other girl groups such as The Shirelles, The Beverley Sisters and The Andrews sisters to consider making similar comebacks , providing of course they find somebody appropriate to design their
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 21, 2010 12:16:45 GMT
stage costumes to bring them bang up-to-date. Much use would be made of sequins, nets, ripped fabrics, lycra and polyfilla for
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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 21, 2010 14:08:20 GMT
filling the holes in their faces where the fatuous silly smiles had been nailed on. When news of the possible ressurections spread to the wider population there was uproar in Premier League grounds as wives and girlfriends and mistresses were dumped from a great height in order that
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 21, 2010 15:36:42 GMT
the lads could get together en-masse and go for a secret Boys' Night Out to Clacton, where they would ditch the Lobb loafers, roll their designer denims up, paddle in the sea, wear a knotted hankie on their heads and scoff candy floss while
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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 21, 2010 16:04:07 GMT
pretty well unopposed, Notts County won the Premiership. Overnight, entrance charges fell to 4/6d, men and boys stood on terraces wearing wooly hats and scarves knitted by grandma's for Christmas, Bovril in china cups and pork pies and arrowroot biscuits were enjoyed at half time, obscene chants were replaced by 'Well played all you chaps' and 'Huzzah'. Arsene Wenger and Sir Alex Ferguson took their coaching staffs and moved to
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 21, 2010 17:16:50 GMT
Gordon Ramsay's penthouse flat, from where they plotted world domination using an old table map recovered from Winston Churchill's bunker. They couldn't find the pushy-stick things, so instead they used
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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 21, 2010 18:47:09 GMT
very thin size 0 teenage models stolen from a VB fashion show sellotaped to long garden canes. Lots of experienced WAAF's wearing battle bowlers were also recruited so that the genuine atmosphere of 'golly gosh' could be used, along with
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 21, 2010 19:34:20 GMT
Dame Vera Lynn, the comics from the Windmill Theatre and the cast of Billy Bunter, so that a spiffing time could be had by all. Except for the footbally-types who were so unaccustomed to the self-effacing team spirit and bonhomie, not to mention not being the centre of attention, so they took their ball and left in a marked manner to
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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 22, 2010 11:45:35 GMT
coach the Chad water polo team. However, they none of them(by which I mean those who could read) inspected the small print where it said that they had to make their own way to the water polo HQ in Qu'ur wadi bel Ich'bot. After waiting 10 days for a plane at Heathrow they eventually discovered that Chad, in fact, has no airfields capable of handling their massive amount of luggage..so they caught ferries, trains and steamers to Ali Wali ben Mouvrir where they hoped to join a camel train. When it was explained to them that camel trains do not have engines, carriages, bars, showers, hostesses or restaurants ......just camels....there was a very unseemly scramble intended to ensure that no Chelsea player ended up with an ugly one, whilst the Man Utd players, being considerably less pernickety, just wanted to ensure that their camels could
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 22, 2010 12:59:56 GMT
spit further than the Chelsea players' ones. The caravan set off under cover of darkness, partly to spare the footy-boys' blushes at slumming it in such a fashion and partly to foil the paparazzis who were all following JT in the hope that he qould disgrace himself with
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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 22, 2010 13:27:59 GMT
the donkey belonging to the cook. The one that carried all the pots and pans. JT persuaded said donkey to accompany him to see Oasis, in the stupid belief that it was the genteel rock group. Instead, of course, he found himself in the darkness, up to his neck in water and surrounded by palm trees. When the paps caught up with him he tried to escape from the embarrassing situation by pretending that
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 22, 2010 15:17:33 GMT
he was the manikin pis, a ploy that failed miserably when he ran out of, err, output ;D
So he beat a hasty retreat to the opposite side of the oasis - a big mistake, because he fell among thieves. Forty to be exact. And they didn't take kindly to this bloke landing among them when they were divvying up the spoils from their raid on
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Post by Ricky T Outhouse on Mar 22, 2010 18:26:11 GMT
the secret underground bunker where Saddam really had salted away his WMD. Ali Baba, who was indeed the leader of this band of turbanned ASBO holders, missed a great opportunity to hold the complete western world to ransom but he had completely forgotten to buy the matches needed to light the fuses. So, giving his majic lamp another little rub he requested
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Post by LucyQuipment on Mar 23, 2010 11:32:36 GMT
a lighter. Sadly his genie was having an off day, and instead of a Bic disposable, a flat-bottomed barge, complete with grizzled sea-salt and staffordshire bull terrier, thumped into the sand, nearly flattening
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