Post by Hideous Dwarf on Jul 20, 2008 4:07:10 GMT
A layman's guide offering working examples of the Shalts and Shalt Nots.
The author acknowledges his debt to The lord for his original work
and to Moses, his Publisher.
THE FIRST
Thou shalt have no other gods,
But don’t you think it rather odd
This strict command avoids revision
By the Monopolies Commission?
For us a paradise awaits
In heav’n beyond the Pearly Gates
Whilst purgatory’s fire devours
Everybody’s soul but ours.
‘Tis we alone with God shall dwell
Whilst you and yours will go to hell.
(‘Tis thus self-righteously agreed
By ev’ry known religious creed)
THE SECOND
Thou shalt not make unto thee
Any craven image.
Though Bishops clearly disagree
With mitres bearing infulae
And crosiers jewelled prettily;
Stained glass windows – heavenly
And chalices with filigree;
Perhaps a golden cross or three
To prove their sacred lineage.
THE THIRD
Thou shalt not take the name
Of the Lord thy God in vain,
So, to curse without impiety
Cite someone else’s deity.
THE FOURTH
Remember the Sabbath, to keep it holy.
Don’t enter the houses of sin;
Nay, come to the Church of St Asda the Lowly;
Salvation awaits you within.
Wine shelves and bakery greet the devout,
So shop for the Eucharist on the way out.
THE FIFTH
Honour thy Father and thy Mother
For honour transcendeth all merit.
But, if you find honour too much of a bother,
Just think of the cash you’ll inherit.
THE SIXTH
The Bible says, “Thou shalt not kill,”
But, if you’re dressed in khaki,
I’m sure the Lord won’t think it ill
To shoot the odd Iraqi.
THE SEVENTH
Thou shalt not commit adultery,
Though the charms of the floozy be varied
And your passions be wild and desultory,
There is no excuse for adultery
And though fluffy and soft her upholstery
You should plump up the pillow you married.
THE EIGHTH
The Lord who says, “Thou shalt not steal,”
Exempts the governing classes
Who pray each day before they feel
The pockets of the masses.
Of course, the Chancellor will claim
(As any honest Chancellor would)
He raises taxes in your name
To spend them on the public good.
(Refurbished ministerial homes
And tacky plastic pleasure domes.)
THE NINTH
Thou shalt not bear false witness
Though it be a precondition
Of establishing one’s fitness
To become a politician.
For whilst it means defying God,
The voter loves a lying sod,
And if you think that isn’t true,
Just look who’s representing you!
THE TENTH
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife
Though she be a buxom lass,
For she is the venom of marital strife
With a tongue that flays like a flensing knife
And you know she’d lead you a hell of a life.
Why not covet his ox or his ass?
The author acknowledges his debt to The lord for his original work
and to Moses, his Publisher.
THE FIRST
Thou shalt have no other gods,
But don’t you think it rather odd
This strict command avoids revision
By the Monopolies Commission?
For us a paradise awaits
In heav’n beyond the Pearly Gates
Whilst purgatory’s fire devours
Everybody’s soul but ours.
‘Tis we alone with God shall dwell
Whilst you and yours will go to hell.
(‘Tis thus self-righteously agreed
By ev’ry known religious creed)
THE SECOND
Thou shalt not make unto thee
Any craven image.
Though Bishops clearly disagree
With mitres bearing infulae
And crosiers jewelled prettily;
Stained glass windows – heavenly
And chalices with filigree;
Perhaps a golden cross or three
To prove their sacred lineage.
THE THIRD
Thou shalt not take the name
Of the Lord thy God in vain,
So, to curse without impiety
Cite someone else’s deity.
THE FOURTH
Remember the Sabbath, to keep it holy.
Don’t enter the houses of sin;
Nay, come to the Church of St Asda the Lowly;
Salvation awaits you within.
Wine shelves and bakery greet the devout,
So shop for the Eucharist on the way out.
THE FIFTH
Honour thy Father and thy Mother
For honour transcendeth all merit.
But, if you find honour too much of a bother,
Just think of the cash you’ll inherit.
THE SIXTH
The Bible says, “Thou shalt not kill,”
But, if you’re dressed in khaki,
I’m sure the Lord won’t think it ill
To shoot the odd Iraqi.
THE SEVENTH
Thou shalt not commit adultery,
Though the charms of the floozy be varied
And your passions be wild and desultory,
There is no excuse for adultery
And though fluffy and soft her upholstery
You should plump up the pillow you married.
THE EIGHTH
The Lord who says, “Thou shalt not steal,”
Exempts the governing classes
Who pray each day before they feel
The pockets of the masses.
Of course, the Chancellor will claim
(As any honest Chancellor would)
He raises taxes in your name
To spend them on the public good.
(Refurbished ministerial homes
And tacky plastic pleasure domes.)
THE NINTH
Thou shalt not bear false witness
Though it be a precondition
Of establishing one’s fitness
To become a politician.
For whilst it means defying God,
The voter loves a lying sod,
And if you think that isn’t true,
Just look who’s representing you!
THE TENTH
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife
Though she be a buxom lass,
For she is the venom of marital strife
With a tongue that flays like a flensing knife
And you know she’d lead you a hell of a life.
Why not covet his ox or his ass?