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Grief
Sept 27, 2009 12:07:49 GMT
Post by lenityg on Sept 27, 2009 12:07:49 GMT
I know a lot of you have lost someone close to you very close to you and so thought I would come on here. In March I lost my wonderful Gramba. And I just can't deal with it. I miss her every day. I cry every day for her sometimes a couple of tears sometimes a lot more. As a christian I believe she has gone to a better place that she isn't in any pain any more and that she is at peace. As a selfish little madam I want her back here. I wanted her to see my garden. I want to smell her perfume and talc and I want to get told off for not losing weight and wearing low cut tops and getting a durby accent..... And now its affecting me. Its affecting my work my relationships and my decisions. Yesterday I was conned by a gypsy simply because she said oh you have a little lady sitting on your shoulder watching over you only your not dealing with losing her well and she had me hook line and sinker. I handed over £40 for 3 pebbles a cushion a cd oh and a palm reading....and I am not normally gullible really I am not....I am the most cynical person...altho gram and mum have also always told me never be rude to a gypsy. And then yesterday evening I ended up having a run in with my mate because I am flaming sensitive about everything and about losing thingsso now he isn't talking to me any more which is a little thing but still... I just don't know what to do anymore. I have been to church, I have had counselling, I even went back on the happy pills and nothing is shifting this overbearing weight on my shoulders that I can't shake. And I know she had a good life and she really did and she lived a long time and she was surrounded by love. And I know people on here have lost children and brothers and sisters tragically young and friends. My reasoning logical mind knows all of this. I know its not been long really in the grand scheme of things so its ok that I should still grieve. But my heart is still broken. And I'm so tired of pretending everything is alright because its not. No I'm not completely sure where all this has come from either...
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Grief
Sept 27, 2009 12:51:49 GMT
Post by Peek on Sept 27, 2009 12:51:49 GMT
As someone who is still dealing with grief for 2 loved ones I have a strong idea of how you're feeling *hugs*.
Although I am having my own problems with dealing with it, one thing I will say, and which I have to keep saying to myself is this.... the loved ones that we have lost would not want us to be continually unhappy, so try substituting the odd weepy moment for a smile in their honour, and gradually build up the smiles everytime. You're not letting anyone down by doing it, and who knows you might bring a smile to somebody you pass in the street when you've got a weird grin on your face.
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Fidelma Taxes
Just a TOG
Cakemeister ,part time frog,and trainee curmudgeon
karma - wossat then?
Posts: 856
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Grief
Sept 27, 2009 14:07:56 GMT
Post by Fidelma Taxes on Sept 27, 2009 14:07:56 GMT
Leni - I totally understand how you feel, and where you're coming from, as I do Peekie, too.
Losing someone you love is almost too hard to bear, and everyone has their own way of coping. There's no ONE way to deal with it - its' all relative to the person left grieving. Also, there's no 'time limit' - things will take as long as they need to. For some, that may be just a few months, for others, years. You just have to go with the flow and hang in there - and be kind to yourself. Allow the grief to come when it needs to, and in those times between, when you find yourself smiling, genuinely smiling, and enjoying a moment, DON'T feel guilty about it - it's all part of the recovery process.
As for not being sure where this has come from - it's come from somewhere deep inside, and obviously needed to come out - just let it out. Nothing good will come of trying to suppress your feelings.
Everyone has been through something similar, so you're in good company, lass, and we're on your side.
Huuuuge hugs, FidsXX
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Grief
Sept 27, 2009 17:51:09 GMT
Post by tigerlily on Sept 27, 2009 17:51:09 GMT
Peekie's advice is very good indeed.
For myself, I've found the only thing that really helps is time. Time to come to terms with your loss, with all the mixed feelings that follow on from a bereavement, time just to come to a quiet acceptance of what has happened and to make peace with it.
It's coming up (fast!) on three years since Dad died, and tonight when we were driving back from the camping ground I found myself wishing really strongly that he and Dave could have met each other. I know they'd have hit it off (they're both mad as a box of frogs) and have a frightening amount in common. That thought was totally out of left field, arrived totally unprompted by anything of which I was consciously aware. And you know what? It made me smile, just a bit.
He's still working through his own grief over losing his Dad in May of this year. He's been sitting up at nights getting all upset and I hadn't a clue until I happened to come down one morning and find him still sitting at his desk long after he should have gone to work, in a proper state. Turned out it wasn't the first time by a long chalk. He felt he should be over it by now, too. I disagree - it takes as long as it takes, and we're all different. It took five whole months for it to hit home after Mum died in 2001, and when it did it cut me off at the knees.
Of course I still miss her...I always will. However, were she here she would be giving me merry heck if I even thought of getting miserable and upset about her absence. She'd tell me to 'stop snivelling, you daft young bu99er', or words to that effect.
Life goes on. That seems just about the cruellest possible thing, initially, but you do develop an acceptance of that fact and move right along with it. I can't tell you when, or how long it will take for you - like I say, we're all different. But it will happen, I can promise you that.
Take care, and don't be afraid to come here and share how you're getting along. Don't ever feel silly or afraid to talk about it.
xx
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Grief
Sept 27, 2009 19:20:11 GMT
Post by Vera Bout on Sept 27, 2009 19:20:11 GMT
I think as it has already been said by the posts before me that time is the only thing that gets you through the pain of losing someone close, hang in there as it does get easier with time and life does go on, big hugs
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Grief
Sept 27, 2009 19:43:05 GMT
Post by lily on Sept 27, 2009 19:43:05 GMT
Leni, Tigs has said so much better what I wanted to say to you.
That said, please email me if you need to. I am sending you lots of love.
I'm also sure Michael will be in with his words of wisdom and help soon.
Love and hugs
Lily xxx
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Grief
Sept 27, 2009 22:18:35 GMT
Post by sarah on Sept 27, 2009 22:18:35 GMT
aw Leni, you are not alone just when things are going *normal* (whatever that is) out of the blue, I get th almighty doldrums! never mind the *experts* going on about the 2 year thingy - pah! for me, you never get used to it, you learn to live with it, except for the odd days when it al just becomes too much - a memory/song whatever just blows your mind. (guess who had a bad day today) please accept a loving hug. and may I thank all the other posters too and share a hug. (btw this place is probably the only thing that's kept me sane(ish) chin up my dear, one day at a time xx
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Grief
Sept 27, 2009 22:27:08 GMT
Post by Olivia Newton Mearns on Sept 27, 2009 22:27:08 GMT
*hugs* leni. It does get better, honest, even if it doesn't seem so just now. It is still very early days.
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Grief
Sept 28, 2009 8:54:43 GMT
Post by Nutella on Sept 28, 2009 8:54:43 GMT
Yes, and by 'getting better', it doesn't mean that it goes away. It's always there, but the rest of your life fits round it. I was the fortunate child who was given the book in which my Dad would write his poetry. This was a very private thing, and after his first stroke, we'd go into the sitting room, and I'd read bits of it to him. It took me 10 years after his death before I could get beyond the first poem without crying, but now I read it and feel great love for the special person he was to us all. I'll always miss him, but he's always with us. Love and hugs, x x
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Grief
Sept 28, 2009 9:10:33 GMT
Post by Water Woman on Sept 28, 2009 9:10:33 GMT
Oh Leni, how I feel for you. I don't believe it goes away but what has happened for me is that I have learned to walk alongside it without it tripping me up so often. My mum has been gone over 7 years and yet sometimes it can hit me like a slap in the face, but less often now. Dad has been just over a year and I still trip very often over my feelings and find it hard to right myself. I was told quite soon after my dad's death that life is for the living and we ought not to spend time thinking of those who are no longer here. Poppycock!! It does not take over my life but I think of them often, those who we have loved never really leave us. x
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Grief
Sept 28, 2009 11:01:39 GMT
Post by shemmy on Sept 28, 2009 11:01:39 GMT
Leni, there is no other pain like grief, and as said before me, each person deals with it in their own way. There is no time limit on grief, all I can say is that, your life changes and you learn to live with it. It is a good thing that you have done, in coming on here to talk about it. Don't hold back and be on your own, come and share with your friends and the load will lighten. Also, the comforting words of friends is invaluable. *Biggest hug I can muster* xxx
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Grief
Sept 28, 2009 21:25:18 GMT
Post by sarah on Sept 28, 2009 21:25:18 GMT
Thank you Shemmy, well said. (you have put into words why I love this place) xx
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Grief
Sept 29, 2009 16:44:02 GMT
Post by lenityg on Sept 29, 2009 16:44:02 GMT
Thanks for the messages and the texts and the PMs. I have just been brought up with the stiff upper lip and it gets so hard at times. However those pics of my niece (OK on the notice board) brought such joy to my heart and I've had a couple of nice if ver very busy days at work with my boss being lovely and a couple of hugs from very special people and have actually done some serious thinking and sorting out in my own head. Things aren't great but there seems to be a pin point of light.
Thanks peeps XXX
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