Post by Nuala Bowtitt on May 24, 2008 19:31:14 GMT
REASON TO LIVE
She’d made a life plan twenty years before, although life plan wasn’t exactly the right terminology. More of a death plan really. She’d had an unfortunate existence from day one and she never could figure out why. She’d tried to be good and do her best by other people. She was always last in her very own queue, her hand ever reaching out in friendship to put someone in front of her. Her hand was always taken along with whatever happened to be in it at the time. She always seemed to go for the wrong man too. The most needy, the most dominating, the most selfish, through the full scale and usually ending up with the underdog, tending him, building him up, raising his confidence to the level where he could stand up straight, metaphorically spit in her eye and sweep her out of his new, confident way.
She made a very bad marriage, marrying as she thought for love but she was such a poor judge, she got it wrong as usual. He was, it turned out, an uneducated womaniser who couldn’t open his mouth without lying. It was all her fault though. It was always her fault. She had stood in front of the Registrar (no church wedding for them; Not enough money) and taken her vows very seriously so she felt obliged to stick with the marriage. There had been only one child for medical reasons but she had fulfilled her womanly role and if she longed for more children, all she had to do was tell herself she wasn’t worthy of them.
Everyone has a breaking point and hers came when their child had just entered the teenage years. Her husband’s latest girlfriend actually came to the house, knocked on the door with some cock and bull story and the dog was all over her like a cheap suit. She showed him the door that day and watched from the window as they both walked down the road together. Never once did she think to herself ‘What have I done?’ The only thing she could think was.. ‘ Why didn’t I do this years ago?’
Money is important but there are a few things that are even more important. Peace of mind, self respect and inner happiness come high up on the list and even though he left her totally penniless without even providing for their child, she was freer in mind than she’d been for years. Life was very tough and taught her a pecuniary lesson she’d never forget. She went back to work full time but even going all out to earn as much money as possible and cut down expenditure in every possible way, it was a terrible time which would haunt her to this day and she would never forget it. But survive they did. She eventually received a letter from her husband’s solicitor asking for a divorce, which she readily agreed to. Let him pay for it. She’d finished contributing.
Now you would think that life got better from here on in but you’d be wrong. I guess a very deep-seated sense of unworthiness is hard to shake and after all, her marriage had just failed and it must be something to do with her shortcomings. Surely, if she’d been all she thought she was, he wouldn’t have gone looking elsewhere….would he? So the downward spiral goes on. She stood on a certain rung of the ladder and she didn’t reach for the one above when it came to choosing a new partner. She went for the one below because it had to be someone whose ego she could boost and transversely, someone who could boost her own ego by knowing she was slightly better educated or had a little more money or was a little younger or fitter than he. Never an ‘equal’. That wouldn’t do at all. Not for her the decent, dyed in the wool guy who’d look after her. She didn’t deserve that. She waited until she was financially secure once again before embarking on that trail, because she would never again ask anyone for another thing as long as she lived. Through the tough times, she’d developed a strong streak of independence and she liked the way it made her feel. It gave her the strength to walk away when discovering her pearls had been cast before yet another swine and after a particularly soul destroying episode with another specimen of life’s dross, she sat down and had a good think.
She thought back over her life and all the trials it had presented her with and decided, quite coolly, that she was tired of it. She didn’t want to do it any more. Didn’t want to be here. It was an observation at that stage but as she thought about it, she started to form her life plan as she called it. She knew she couldn’t actively do anything to end her life..oh, not from any religious perspective. She just didn’t have the courage. They say suicide is the coward’s way out but she disagreed. She thought it took a lot of nerve to end one’s life and wasn’t something she could ever contemplate. What she could do, however, was vow to do nothing to preserve her life if ever the option presented itself.
And that’s exactly what she did. She put a time limit on it. If nothing happened to end her miserable existence in twenty years, she would rent a little cottage on the west coast of Ireland – her favourite place in the whole world – and somehow she would find the strength to finish it. With this in mind, she started to feel better possibly because there was now a time limit. The thought that it would definitely end on such and such a date in the year 2008 somehow made today more bearable
She lived her life on a daily basis, making no plans and doing things on the spur of the moment. She systematically started to jettison her friends, seeing less and less of them and over the years, her experiences left her in no doubt that she was doing the right thing. Whatever she had been doing in this life, on this planet at this particular time had to have been a mistake. Nothing had gone right for her and anything that she’d had to prove to a ‘higher power’ had been proved so many times now, that it was a joke. She was tired and she wanted to go. She started to dispense with her money and possessions, almost unaware sometimes how meticulously she was working towards her plan. It would all come together very nicely and probably no one would miss her. In some small local Irish rag, there would be a report about some woman doing the unspeakable and it wouldn’t even be important enough to be a nine days wonder.
There had been just four months to go when she met him. It was like the proverbial bolt from the blue and was matchless to anything she’d ever felt. They were completely different and yet like two pieces of the same jigsaw puzzle that fitted together so beautifully that she knew without any doubt that he was the one, unlike any of the others before him. He also did something that none of the others had done. He gave her a reason to live without snatching it back again. ‘I want to live’ she thought for the first time in twenty years. ‘I want to live.’ He wanted nothing but to give to her and asked her to share his life. How she wanted to. She was frightened to think how happy she was and she kept a tight rein on her feelings. She started to wonder if it would be possible. Could she alter course this late in her plan? She so wanted to. Perhaps the dark days really were past her now. Perhaps she really had finished paying for whatever it was that held such a high cost. Could she even contemplate taking this chance? Or would Fate make her pay anyway whether she changed her mind or not. The only thing she could do would be to cancel her trip to Ireland and sit tight, hoping that the hand of destiny didn’t reach out for payment on the day. Only when she got past that day could she give him an answer. She knew what the answer would be but first, she had to live through the day.
It became a bit of an obsession with her as the weeks flew by and the day drew nearer. Suddenly, it was upon her. She’d dreaded it. She didn’t think anything would happen but she knew from experience how cruel and unpredictable Fate could be. If she could just stay awake for the twenty four hours, she may be able to combat anything that may crop up. She got through the day with no mishaps and as she drew the curtains against the darkening sky, she started to feel a little better. She allowed the thought of a new life to enter her head and when her love called her to wish her goodnight, she was light and loving. She knew she’d been a bit strained with him the last few days but he hadn’t complained. He had no idea what she’d been through today. He would never know. She’d never tell him. It would soon be over and they could start making plans. She sat leafing through a magazine, the television on in the background. Some holiday program or other. Weekend breaks. Hmmm. That was something she could certainly do with. She’d put it to him tomorrow. A lovely weekend break somewhere by the sea.
As the pain invaded her chest, the last thing her eyes registered was the image on the television of the picturesque little cottage in Dingle Bay “ Going for a song…”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
When she awoke in her hospital bed, she had wires and machines all around her and she felt as though a truck had run over her head but that didn’t matter. The clock on the wall showed five minutes past midnight and…. SHE WAS ALIVE!!!! She was alive and her love was leaning over her, kissing her forehead, holding her hand and whispering her name. He’d paid a totally unexpected late night visit because she’d been so loving to him on the phone earlier and he just needed to look in her eyes and ask her once again to marry him. He’d found her slumped in front of the television, which was still merrily extolling the virtues of the West coast of Ireland.
‘Let’s just say that was a wake up call.’ said the doctor when he walked in the room. ‘You had a mild heart attack and I strongly prescribe a good holiday somewhere peaceful …..Ireland’s very good they say….some tender loving care and a few lessons in yoga to relieve some of that stress and you’ll be as good as new. I’ll give you two minutes to say ‘goodnight’ and then I want you out of here. She needs her rest.’
The last bit of her doctor’s little speech was directed at the wonderful man at her bedside. Her reason to live. They kissed goodnight and as he walked through the door with a backward wave, she knew she’d never have a reason good enough to tempt providence ever again.
She’d made a life plan twenty years before, although life plan wasn’t exactly the right terminology. More of a death plan really. She’d had an unfortunate existence from day one and she never could figure out why. She’d tried to be good and do her best by other people. She was always last in her very own queue, her hand ever reaching out in friendship to put someone in front of her. Her hand was always taken along with whatever happened to be in it at the time. She always seemed to go for the wrong man too. The most needy, the most dominating, the most selfish, through the full scale and usually ending up with the underdog, tending him, building him up, raising his confidence to the level where he could stand up straight, metaphorically spit in her eye and sweep her out of his new, confident way.
She made a very bad marriage, marrying as she thought for love but she was such a poor judge, she got it wrong as usual. He was, it turned out, an uneducated womaniser who couldn’t open his mouth without lying. It was all her fault though. It was always her fault. She had stood in front of the Registrar (no church wedding for them; Not enough money) and taken her vows very seriously so she felt obliged to stick with the marriage. There had been only one child for medical reasons but she had fulfilled her womanly role and if she longed for more children, all she had to do was tell herself she wasn’t worthy of them.
Everyone has a breaking point and hers came when their child had just entered the teenage years. Her husband’s latest girlfriend actually came to the house, knocked on the door with some cock and bull story and the dog was all over her like a cheap suit. She showed him the door that day and watched from the window as they both walked down the road together. Never once did she think to herself ‘What have I done?’ The only thing she could think was.. ‘ Why didn’t I do this years ago?’
Money is important but there are a few things that are even more important. Peace of mind, self respect and inner happiness come high up on the list and even though he left her totally penniless without even providing for their child, she was freer in mind than she’d been for years. Life was very tough and taught her a pecuniary lesson she’d never forget. She went back to work full time but even going all out to earn as much money as possible and cut down expenditure in every possible way, it was a terrible time which would haunt her to this day and she would never forget it. But survive they did. She eventually received a letter from her husband’s solicitor asking for a divorce, which she readily agreed to. Let him pay for it. She’d finished contributing.
Now you would think that life got better from here on in but you’d be wrong. I guess a very deep-seated sense of unworthiness is hard to shake and after all, her marriage had just failed and it must be something to do with her shortcomings. Surely, if she’d been all she thought she was, he wouldn’t have gone looking elsewhere….would he? So the downward spiral goes on. She stood on a certain rung of the ladder and she didn’t reach for the one above when it came to choosing a new partner. She went for the one below because it had to be someone whose ego she could boost and transversely, someone who could boost her own ego by knowing she was slightly better educated or had a little more money or was a little younger or fitter than he. Never an ‘equal’. That wouldn’t do at all. Not for her the decent, dyed in the wool guy who’d look after her. She didn’t deserve that. She waited until she was financially secure once again before embarking on that trail, because she would never again ask anyone for another thing as long as she lived. Through the tough times, she’d developed a strong streak of independence and she liked the way it made her feel. It gave her the strength to walk away when discovering her pearls had been cast before yet another swine and after a particularly soul destroying episode with another specimen of life’s dross, she sat down and had a good think.
She thought back over her life and all the trials it had presented her with and decided, quite coolly, that she was tired of it. She didn’t want to do it any more. Didn’t want to be here. It was an observation at that stage but as she thought about it, she started to form her life plan as she called it. She knew she couldn’t actively do anything to end her life..oh, not from any religious perspective. She just didn’t have the courage. They say suicide is the coward’s way out but she disagreed. She thought it took a lot of nerve to end one’s life and wasn’t something she could ever contemplate. What she could do, however, was vow to do nothing to preserve her life if ever the option presented itself.
And that’s exactly what she did. She put a time limit on it. If nothing happened to end her miserable existence in twenty years, she would rent a little cottage on the west coast of Ireland – her favourite place in the whole world – and somehow she would find the strength to finish it. With this in mind, she started to feel better possibly because there was now a time limit. The thought that it would definitely end on such and such a date in the year 2008 somehow made today more bearable
She lived her life on a daily basis, making no plans and doing things on the spur of the moment. She systematically started to jettison her friends, seeing less and less of them and over the years, her experiences left her in no doubt that she was doing the right thing. Whatever she had been doing in this life, on this planet at this particular time had to have been a mistake. Nothing had gone right for her and anything that she’d had to prove to a ‘higher power’ had been proved so many times now, that it was a joke. She was tired and she wanted to go. She started to dispense with her money and possessions, almost unaware sometimes how meticulously she was working towards her plan. It would all come together very nicely and probably no one would miss her. In some small local Irish rag, there would be a report about some woman doing the unspeakable and it wouldn’t even be important enough to be a nine days wonder.
There had been just four months to go when she met him. It was like the proverbial bolt from the blue and was matchless to anything she’d ever felt. They were completely different and yet like two pieces of the same jigsaw puzzle that fitted together so beautifully that she knew without any doubt that he was the one, unlike any of the others before him. He also did something that none of the others had done. He gave her a reason to live without snatching it back again. ‘I want to live’ she thought for the first time in twenty years. ‘I want to live.’ He wanted nothing but to give to her and asked her to share his life. How she wanted to. She was frightened to think how happy she was and she kept a tight rein on her feelings. She started to wonder if it would be possible. Could she alter course this late in her plan? She so wanted to. Perhaps the dark days really were past her now. Perhaps she really had finished paying for whatever it was that held such a high cost. Could she even contemplate taking this chance? Or would Fate make her pay anyway whether she changed her mind or not. The only thing she could do would be to cancel her trip to Ireland and sit tight, hoping that the hand of destiny didn’t reach out for payment on the day. Only when she got past that day could she give him an answer. She knew what the answer would be but first, she had to live through the day.
It became a bit of an obsession with her as the weeks flew by and the day drew nearer. Suddenly, it was upon her. She’d dreaded it. She didn’t think anything would happen but she knew from experience how cruel and unpredictable Fate could be. If she could just stay awake for the twenty four hours, she may be able to combat anything that may crop up. She got through the day with no mishaps and as she drew the curtains against the darkening sky, she started to feel a little better. She allowed the thought of a new life to enter her head and when her love called her to wish her goodnight, she was light and loving. She knew she’d been a bit strained with him the last few days but he hadn’t complained. He had no idea what she’d been through today. He would never know. She’d never tell him. It would soon be over and they could start making plans. She sat leafing through a magazine, the television on in the background. Some holiday program or other. Weekend breaks. Hmmm. That was something she could certainly do with. She’d put it to him tomorrow. A lovely weekend break somewhere by the sea.
As the pain invaded her chest, the last thing her eyes registered was the image on the television of the picturesque little cottage in Dingle Bay “ Going for a song…”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
When she awoke in her hospital bed, she had wires and machines all around her and she felt as though a truck had run over her head but that didn’t matter. The clock on the wall showed five minutes past midnight and…. SHE WAS ALIVE!!!! She was alive and her love was leaning over her, kissing her forehead, holding her hand and whispering her name. He’d paid a totally unexpected late night visit because she’d been so loving to him on the phone earlier and he just needed to look in her eyes and ask her once again to marry him. He’d found her slumped in front of the television, which was still merrily extolling the virtues of the West coast of Ireland.
‘Let’s just say that was a wake up call.’ said the doctor when he walked in the room. ‘You had a mild heart attack and I strongly prescribe a good holiday somewhere peaceful …..Ireland’s very good they say….some tender loving care and a few lessons in yoga to relieve some of that stress and you’ll be as good as new. I’ll give you two minutes to say ‘goodnight’ and then I want you out of here. She needs her rest.’
The last bit of her doctor’s little speech was directed at the wonderful man at her bedside. Her reason to live. They kissed goodnight and as he walked through the door with a backward wave, she knew she’d never have a reason good enough to tempt providence ever again.