Post by Hideous Dwarf on Jul 22, 2008 5:27:51 GMT
I should point out that this was written for the village magazine and verse 10 aludes to the landlord of the local pub who's name was Aaron.
1. It came to pass in those days, long ere the Maggi laid waste the land of Albion and passed on into the Lord’s House, that there lived a man who was called Abich who beheld a maiden and took her to wife. And the woman conceived and brought forth a son who was named Poses according to the Word of the Lord.
2. And the Lord said unto the woman, “Strange is the name I have given unto him, but the son of Abich will grow into it and wilt doeth it proud.”
3. And when she saw him that he was an hideous child she hid him many years. The boy grew strong in speech and exceeding tedious were his words that all men that heard him called upon the Lord for deliverance and fell into a deep slumber.
4. And when she could no longer hide him she took for him an ark of bulrushes and placed the child therein, and daubed it with slime and pitch lest any air might enter therein. And she laid the ark by the river’s brink in that most dangerous time of the year, when the bulrush is out. (When the bull rushes… Oh, never mind!)
5. But Poses did escape from the ark and his speech grew great in length and tedium. And he took unto him a wife of the house of Thespian of Liverpus and she was called Cherie of the Great Mouth, being one of the Sisters of Mersey and Blesséd of the Lord.
6. Now it came to pass in the days of Poses when he had reached his manhood, that a great evil befell the land of Albion. The Pharaoh Jonus of Majoria Borus, begotten of the Maggi, oppressed the people mightily and did call upon them daily to count the cones throughout the land, that the people were sore afraid and a bit miffed.
7. And the Lord spake unto Poses saying: “Go thou unto the Pharoah and bid him deliver my people, Albion. Say unto him: Thou shalt let my people go, or else!”
8. And Poses set his arms akimbo and spake thus unto the Lord saying: “Look, Lord, yer know, what I want to say unto thee is this…..”
9. And the Lord placed his hands over his ears saying: Yeah, yeah whatever. Just doeth it, OK!
10. So Poses went to his brother and said unto him: “Brother, wilt thou take up thy staff and go with me unto the Pharaoh to deliver my people, Albion.” But Aaron had just opened an inn in nearby Puddlecombus and needed his staff for the Bank Holiday weekend. (Restaurant - 2 bars - B & B - Bar mitzvahs catered for)
11. Poses called his disciples unto him saying, behold my people Albion that they are sore afraid. (see, I told you so). And he charged his faithful servants to go amongst the people and raise them up that they might cast off the yoke of oppression and be delivered of the Pharaoh. And the disciples looked upon the people and saw that they did labour under the yoke and did call them to a New Labour for the Lord and for his chosen apostle, Poses, that hath been aforementioned several times.
12. And Poses raised a great army of the Socialites and the Communites and the Celebrites and did smite the Majorites and the Hezeltites and the Lamontites and a fair few other ites while they were about it, and he slew he them and great was the slewing thereof.
13. Poses heeded the Word of the Lord and led the people out of bondage, all except a few of his close disciples who were still partial to a bit of bondage and grew oranges. And Poses led the Lord’s chosen to the shores of the Red Flag where he raised his staff and, smiting it, did rend it asunder that the rich might find favour with the Lord and give of their shekels unto him. (Poses, not the Lord)
14. And it came to pass, when Poses had ruled many years and milked the land of all its honey, that a mighty enemy arose in the land of Babylon where lived the Saddamites along with the Baathites and Sunniites and a right bunch of Shiites. And the Saddamites built unto themselves great engines of war that could cast their stones upon the land of Albion in forty five minutes or even less. So sayeth the spies that Poses sent out.
15. Now in those days there dwelt, in the land of Usa, a great tribe which was called the Amerikites, and chief among them was George of Texus who was called Dubya. And he was mighty in the land of Usa and belovéd of Poses.
16. And Poses called upon his big friend, Dubya of the Amerikites and forged a great alliance across the waters of Atlantus to smite the Saddamites and all their kin in the name of the Lord. And several of their kith as well.
17. The Albionites and the Amerikites laid waste the land of the Saddamites and did search high and low for the great engines of war and, finding none, called upon the Lord in great anguish saying: “Lord, Lord, where art the engines of war, Oh Lord!”
18. And the Lord sayeth unto them, “Search me, Mate!”
19. And when Poses returned from the war the people rose up and called upon him that he lieth unto them and did deceiveth them in all that he sayeth unto them. But Poses dismisseth them saying, “Maybe the Saddamites hath not the engines, but they planneth to have them, and anyway, what of it!”
20. And he called forth the wise Hutton from the Lord’s house and bade him sit in judgment upon the government of Albion that its doings might be pored over and that the light of heaven might shine upon the evil thereof.
21. And the Lord Hutton looked deep into the soul of the government and found no evil therein. And Poses thanked God for his deliverance. “Thank God for that!” said Poses.
22. And the people of Albion forgave him and anointeth his head and grovelleth before him and he reigneth over them forever in the land of Albion and the people liveth happily ever after.
Amen.
The Lesson
(Book of Exoneration 2: 1-22)
(Book of Exoneration 2: 1-22)
1. It came to pass in those days, long ere the Maggi laid waste the land of Albion and passed on into the Lord’s House, that there lived a man who was called Abich who beheld a maiden and took her to wife. And the woman conceived and brought forth a son who was named Poses according to the Word of the Lord.
2. And the Lord said unto the woman, “Strange is the name I have given unto him, but the son of Abich will grow into it and wilt doeth it proud.”
3. And when she saw him that he was an hideous child she hid him many years. The boy grew strong in speech and exceeding tedious were his words that all men that heard him called upon the Lord for deliverance and fell into a deep slumber.
4. And when she could no longer hide him she took for him an ark of bulrushes and placed the child therein, and daubed it with slime and pitch lest any air might enter therein. And she laid the ark by the river’s brink in that most dangerous time of the year, when the bulrush is out. (When the bull rushes… Oh, never mind!)
5. But Poses did escape from the ark and his speech grew great in length and tedium. And he took unto him a wife of the house of Thespian of Liverpus and she was called Cherie of the Great Mouth, being one of the Sisters of Mersey and Blesséd of the Lord.
6. Now it came to pass in the days of Poses when he had reached his manhood, that a great evil befell the land of Albion. The Pharaoh Jonus of Majoria Borus, begotten of the Maggi, oppressed the people mightily and did call upon them daily to count the cones throughout the land, that the people were sore afraid and a bit miffed.
7. And the Lord spake unto Poses saying: “Go thou unto the Pharoah and bid him deliver my people, Albion. Say unto him: Thou shalt let my people go, or else!”
8. And Poses set his arms akimbo and spake thus unto the Lord saying: “Look, Lord, yer know, what I want to say unto thee is this…..”
9. And the Lord placed his hands over his ears saying: Yeah, yeah whatever. Just doeth it, OK!
10. So Poses went to his brother and said unto him: “Brother, wilt thou take up thy staff and go with me unto the Pharaoh to deliver my people, Albion.” But Aaron had just opened an inn in nearby Puddlecombus and needed his staff for the Bank Holiday weekend. (Restaurant - 2 bars - B & B - Bar mitzvahs catered for)
11. Poses called his disciples unto him saying, behold my people Albion that they are sore afraid. (see, I told you so). And he charged his faithful servants to go amongst the people and raise them up that they might cast off the yoke of oppression and be delivered of the Pharaoh. And the disciples looked upon the people and saw that they did labour under the yoke and did call them to a New Labour for the Lord and for his chosen apostle, Poses, that hath been aforementioned several times.
12. And Poses raised a great army of the Socialites and the Communites and the Celebrites and did smite the Majorites and the Hezeltites and the Lamontites and a fair few other ites while they were about it, and he slew he them and great was the slewing thereof.
13. Poses heeded the Word of the Lord and led the people out of bondage, all except a few of his close disciples who were still partial to a bit of bondage and grew oranges. And Poses led the Lord’s chosen to the shores of the Red Flag where he raised his staff and, smiting it, did rend it asunder that the rich might find favour with the Lord and give of their shekels unto him. (Poses, not the Lord)
14. And it came to pass, when Poses had ruled many years and milked the land of all its honey, that a mighty enemy arose in the land of Babylon where lived the Saddamites along with the Baathites and Sunniites and a right bunch of Shiites. And the Saddamites built unto themselves great engines of war that could cast their stones upon the land of Albion in forty five minutes or even less. So sayeth the spies that Poses sent out.
15. Now in those days there dwelt, in the land of Usa, a great tribe which was called the Amerikites, and chief among them was George of Texus who was called Dubya. And he was mighty in the land of Usa and belovéd of Poses.
16. And Poses called upon his big friend, Dubya of the Amerikites and forged a great alliance across the waters of Atlantus to smite the Saddamites and all their kin in the name of the Lord. And several of their kith as well.
17. The Albionites and the Amerikites laid waste the land of the Saddamites and did search high and low for the great engines of war and, finding none, called upon the Lord in great anguish saying: “Lord, Lord, where art the engines of war, Oh Lord!”
18. And the Lord sayeth unto them, “Search me, Mate!”
19. And when Poses returned from the war the people rose up and called upon him that he lieth unto them and did deceiveth them in all that he sayeth unto them. But Poses dismisseth them saying, “Maybe the Saddamites hath not the engines, but they planneth to have them, and anyway, what of it!”
20. And he called forth the wise Hutton from the Lord’s house and bade him sit in judgment upon the government of Albion that its doings might be pored over and that the light of heaven might shine upon the evil thereof.
21. And the Lord Hutton looked deep into the soul of the government and found no evil therein. And Poses thanked God for his deliverance. “Thank God for that!” said Poses.
22. And the people of Albion forgave him and anointeth his head and grovelleth before him and he reigneth over them forever in the land of Albion and the people liveth happily ever after.
Amen.